princessences | [IC] Inbox @ deerington

What?

No, I wasn't under that impression. Though I don't think you would be a bad match.

Why do you ask?

okay first, i'm p sure that the chick who murdered your mom is the exact definition of a bad match
but more importantly ig shiro and adam DID and i just needed to be sure they were the only idiots

You weren't in your right mind, Chloe. That's what this place does to everyone in it. Certainly under different circumstances...however I understand how that would still be a hurdle.

It does sadden me. You made him happy and I liked to believe he did the same for you.

I can't speak for Adam, but I'm sure that Shiro was picking up on that as well.

he didn't seem to believe that no matter how much i begged him to. i don't know if he even really believes it now. idk what you guys are smoking because from where i'm standing, all i seem to do is hurt him

besides, he's totally not into me like that and i think he likes someone else anyway, so hopefully he'll get his shit together and be happy with them, right?

Is that what you would like to happen?

[ ................... ]

[ Leave it to Allura to be the one to make her feel called out. ]

yes

... no

i don't know

i just want him happy in general

That's precisely what I meant. Wanting the happiness of someone regardless of your own stake in the matter is the basis for...well, love, whether it be romantic or platonic. Isn't it?

Why do you believe he is interested in someone else?

[ Love. God that word makes her freeze up, no matter the context for it, and she has to fight every instinct in her body to not throw the FLUID in the trash instead of responding. Be an adult, Chloe Price. You can do this. ]

i guess. i stopped believing in
that stuff
before here

he talks about them a lot, especially when he's drunk, and he was pissed that he was getting turned on by them and ranted to me about it at my birthday party and you can tell from how he talks about them that he's into them even if HE doesn't seem to get it yet and idk that he ever talks about me like that
i just make him confused and angry and he always tells me he doesn't understand me or asks why i'm like this and all i seem to do is remind him of all the shit he's been through here because i seem to be the root of the worst of it so much of the time
the only time

[ It almost seems like she's just gonna stop this rant there. For a second or two. ]

the only time he ever talked to me like he might actually like me as more than some annoying friend, it was fake
and i could tell it was fake
i tried so hard to make myself believe it wasn't, but i could just tell it wasn't him

so
yeah

Edited (i can grammar like a boss) 2019-10-12 05:37 (UTC)

[ She might be toeing the line here, but she had thought there might be something there. For a while, at least, they had seemed to be positive influences on one another. Did that really stop with Krolia...? Which...as she said, wasn't Chloe's fault but still a very, very delicate and difficult situation.

But she isn't exactly prepared to read what Chloe sends. It all seems simpler to just say "maybe you aren't understanding one another", to give her hope, assuming this is something that Chloe actually wants. That's what friends do, right?

Allura had no idea Keith would be interested in anyone else. Why would she? It wasn't like she was actively paying attention to where his eyes might be traveling and their little family has become so splintered and estranged, she works her impressions of her paladins from what seem like events that happened months prior.

(How well does she know these people anymore...?

That's not Chloe's problem. She shelves that for her own quiet reflections.) ]

Chloe...

[ It takes Allura a moment to try and parse her own response. They've had misunderstandings in the past. ]

I'm sorry. I wish I had the right words for this. Hearing that must have been difficult, if I may understate it a little. Even when you want to be supportive for a friend with the best of intentions, having their attention elsewhere and then being spoken down to, unintentionally on their part or otherwise, isn't easy.

Shiro is much closer to Keith than I will likely ever be, but I have noticed that his anger and confusion come from a place where he feels intensely. If he didn't care at all, he would not offer you or anyone else his time. He would simply move on. You are absolutely someone that he does care about, regardless of how he may feel at the moment. That you are someone worth caring about.

And you absolutely did not deserve to be on the receiving end of one of those fakes. That is cruel, even for this place.

[ Honestly, does Allura need to punch someone again? ]

Edited 2019-10-12 05:53 (UTC)

that's what adam said. about him just ditching. but i
idk
i keep hearing him in my head telling me how he should kill me and spare everyone or screaming at me to leave him alone because i'd done enough already. he never came to me. he just got thrown into a bad situation with me and now he lets me text him sometimes. i like to think maybe things are back to normal, but i don't know and i'm too scared to ask because what if he says it's still my fault??
i can't lose him again. i don't know that i could take it.

i saved it.
is that stupid?
he was mad i saved it and i bullshitted that it was just because he looked hot in it but i just want to be able to pretend sometimes.

That wouldn't be something that's easy to forget, no matter how much you want it to. If we could choose our memories we would all be very different people.

No, that isn't stupid. Not at all.

Don't we all want to feel wanted and needed?

[ Even when it feels selfish. ]

I'm not sure if there is a right answer to this situation, but you don't sound happy right now. Would it be more miserable to know and risk that loss? Or to continue to wonder and always fear the worst?

sometimes the thought of being a different person doesn’t sound half bad.

[ Want feels weak. Chloe craves feeling wanted and needed the same way she craves food and water. A desperate desire that comes from being starved for affection for far too long and rarely given more than just an unhealthy imitation of love at best for so long. ]

i’m used to being afraid people don’t really want me around. being completely without him, i felt empty. like an entire chunk of me had been cut out and infected and would never heal. i think i’d rather live not knowing than ever risk going back to that.

[ It hurts seeing that. Hurts knowing that Chloe is hurting so bad. But Allura understands. There is some bliss in not knowing, she has just always been forced to face the truth for the sake of others, if not herself. Too many mistakes and too many people at risk to turn away from reality, no matter how unkind it is.

But she would certainly like to be selfish, if only for a little while.

Allura hasn't been in this situation that Chloe finds herself in, but she understands loss, loneliness, wanting to cling to whatever one can to bring oneself back into a space where you felt safe. Where you had a purpose and you understood what to do. Where and when you were happy.

Sometimes being a different person truly doesn't sound that bad. (She still wonders if it hasn't been better they she were left on Altea before the end.)

People are complicated in many ways, but everyone wants the same things: a purpose, security, and love in whatever form that comes. Right now, Chloe is lacking. And Allura wishes she could easily turn it around. But things are rarely that simple. ]

That is ultimately your choice and I will support you either way.

But Chloe, I want you to know that the person you are is very much loved right now. You have touched so many lives in this place, making it for the better. I realize that's not much consolation when it's not from the person who you're hurting for right now, but we share your pain. We love you. And we do want you around.

[ Chloe doesn't respond right away, choosing instead to look at the message over and over, to try and force herself to believe it. She's never been good at that. They love her now, of that she's certain, but what about when she keeps having break downs? When she keeps letting it sleep how much she isn't put together? When she gets too angry or becomes too much of a headache?

Sometimes it takes a few years, but it never lasts forever, does it?

Not yet cursed with honesty, though, she keeps that to herself, focusing on the part she knows is true for now; Allura, for the moment, at least doesn't mind talking to her, even when the shit isn't even always pleasant. Event when she's been a bitch in the past and given Allura plenty of reason to not want to talk to her anymore in her mind. ]

thanks

[ ... Wow that feels weak. ]

you know i've uh
i've never had a girl to talk to about this stuff before
i mean, i had max when i was younger, but we didn't really talk about like. this kind of thing. we were too young, probably, and rachel...

well, she wasn't the person i'd probably go to.

it's kind of nice.

[ She lets Chloe take her time, only a little afraid that she might have overstepped something. But it's what she believes and as much as Allura would prefer to take a stance and order two people to actually speak out their issues to one another, she can't. They're her friends, not her subjects, and it would also be terribly hypocritical.

It's difficult when all she wants to do is fix things for them where she thinks she might be able to. But who is she kidding--Allura isn't an expert on any of this. All she can do is listen.

Chloe's eventual response does make her smile, stilted and awkward as one might expect when feelings come into play. ]

It is. I admit that I haven't had a "girl friend" for a very long time.

i'd say i'm surprised you don't have more here, but this place has a serious lack in chicks under 30
... which i guess you're technically not but like you know what i mean

i'm kinda shit at most of it, but you can always talk to me about stuff to, you know. if you need to. ever.
PLUS i'm really good at nail art which is like essential to the whole cliche sleepover part of girl friends i'm told

Well, even before this place. But yes, I know what you mean, even if it's still...strange to understand human lifespans. I had really believed that Shiro and i were about the same.

[ Looking into a future where Allura outlives all her friends by centuries is not something she enjoys doing. ]

I will keep that in mind, though I will freely say that I am more concerned about your well-being right now, even though this isn't something that I have a lot of personal experience with.

Nail art?

you guys were kinda saving the universe, right??? i can't imagine that gives a lot of time for making a ton of friends. humans are kinda weak bitches, our bodies suck.

[ Worrying people is what she does best and, being the emotional idiot she is, often makes her wonder if she ought to go back to pretending everything is okay all the time. But that doesn't seem like it makes her friends any happier in the long run.

God, relationships are complicated. ]

i've been through worse than someone not liking me the way i like them. i think that if he and i just... keep talking, i'll eventually stop worrying about whether he wants me around or not. it'll work out. a lot of boys are just fucking morons and he's like a top tier one.

you don't know nail art????
girl
hold up

[ And she attaches a picture of her own nails, which are a little more chipped, but the gist of it is still there. ]

We were, yes, though even before the war and I met the current Paladins. My social circle back then was infinitely more regulated than I had realized until I had something else to compare it to.

Humans are definitely more squishy, but you are far from weak. Your strength of will and fortitude rivals the strongest forces of the Galran Empire. For a small planet in a rather average and quiet galaxy, Earth is full of surprises. I'm learning from you all every day.

[ And that she means in earnest. ]

Yes...I have noticed that. A similarity across species, perhaps?

[ All boys are dumb. She feels free to say that to Chloe. It's a secret, now. ]

Earth has a similar saying about "wounds easing with the passage of time", doesn't it? Though it hardly makes the present more bearable. If you are in need of a distraction I would be happy to oblige.

[ And THEN she sees the picture. ]

!

Chloe!! That is lovely!!! You did that yourself?? Your artistic skills far surpass what I could have imagined!! Nails aren't even a flat surface!

god being a princess sounds like a real pain in the ass. i mean, i didn't have girl friends either, but at least that was bc i just have a bad habit of telling most girls to their face when they're being bitches. ig victoria chase didn't find that fun to be around. prob because she's almost always being a bitch. she was here. for like a month. idk if you met her but she's probably a literal demon so if she ever comes back, heads up about that.

wow dude that's way deep. makes us sound way cooler than i ever found humans to be. but maybe i'm biased from watching us kill our planet and treat each other like crap.

[ If only she could hear the laugh the idea of all boys from every planet sucking got out of Chloe. ]

that sounds legit. a universal constant.

distractions are good. that's mostly what i do the art stuff for.
which i'm actually not usually a flat surface kinda person
back home i do more sculpture than i do paintings, so curved forms are kinda My Thing

you want me to paint your nails?

[IC] Inbox @ deerington

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3/5 i lied like a lying liar

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and then i almost tagged you with MY adam journal and made this conversation very strange

who can blame adam for wanting in on the nail art

1/2 - not i, he should do it

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