Princess "HBIC" Allura (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
princessences) wrote2018-07-10 09:43 pm
princessences) wrote2018-07-10 09:43 pm
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deerington
❝ You have reached Allura. I'm sorry to have missed your call, but please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible. ❞
[ deerlyBeloved ]
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[The cost to himself has never mattered. As much as they all keep trying to get him to believe otherwise. As much as he wants to believe it. As much as there's a part of himself screaming, pleading, for those quiet moments, for him to take that time.]
[But could he ever? Without feeling that now-familiar swell of "should be"?]
I know... I know you do. [It feels like the conversation he had with her, in reverse. After the incidents last October.] I don't know why it won't sink in.
[He wishes he did. He wishes he could give them what they want. But somehow, that seems to be the one thing he can't give. As much as he loves them all, he just can't do it. Their happiness, their well being, it always feels like it needs to come first.]
[It would be a lie to say he didn't sink a little into the warmth of her hand. He knows if he sagged against her, she could hold him up. He trusts her to. And lets his eyes close. Finally lets himself physically relax, if nothing else. What she's saying is true, and intellectually, he knows it. He tells the others the same thing, tells the people close to him the same thing.]
[What matters is that you try.]
[And still, when he finds his voice, it's quiet.]
Why does it never feel like it's enough...? [Even if she's right, even if it's all entirely true, it still doesn't feel like enough.]
[But it's the last bit that finally gets him to look at her again. Searching her face in vain for any sign this is just... something to make him feel better. There's nothing. She's as honest as can be.]
That's -- that's what happened?
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But it isn't fair. If there's anyone who deserves a bit of confidence and happiness, it's Takashi Shirogane. Her dearest friend, someone who has lost and sacrifice and continues to fight despite all of his preconceived shortcomings.
What greater strength is there than that? ]
I wish I could tell you.
[ And she does. She wishes she could change it all for him. ]
You heart... [ Another pulse of quintessence right above it. ] ...and your mind are at odds with one another. And with everything that's transpired before this place and during, that's hardly something that's unwarranted. We hold standards for ourselves that are so much higher than what we do for others. It isn't fair, is it?
[ But it is something they have both set themselves up for.
She nods, eyes open and honest. ]
Yes. I was so confused at first, but you didn't attack me--you carried me away. You brought me to the lake unharmed and set me adrift in a boat. I wasn't sure what you were doing at first. For a moment I believed that you were casting me away as I had cast you out of my own inner world...but then you helped me when I swam back to shore. You carried me back to safety. You didn't want to cause me any harm--you were trying to keep me away from the city...where all the horrible things happen, weren't you?
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[Even before the Galra prison.]
[But his struggles feel like nothing compared to what Allura has to bear. Compared to what his teammates have had to endure here. As if he has no right to hurt, no right to feel tired, worn, beaten by what he's been through. He has to keep going. For everyone's sake. She is the one who's admirable, the one to look up to and respect.]
[Who else could have endured the loss of their entire world and kept fighting? Kept learning and forging ahead? Allura, truly, is the stronger one of them.]
[He won't lie, it hurts when she tells him she doesn't know. Logically, he didn't expect her to have all the answers. But some part of him hoped... beyond all reason, there would be something. He seems to sag forward, to lean against her. Without dislodging her hand.]
We... is right. I was just thinking -- I'd be telling you the same things you're saying now, if we were reversed.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
[It's more of a rhetorical question than it is a real one. Because he knows she won't have the answer. He wants to be all right with it, and maybe, for now, he is -- and maybe it's the pulse from her fingertips doing the job.]
[But whatever it is, it makes it easier to listen to her words. Easier to accept what she's saying. Letting pieces start to slot into place. Her face, afraid, dark water. Walking away from her... Flames... His face goes through a lot of emotions, remembering it.]
[You were trying to keep me away from the city]
I -- [But there's no counter argument. Nothing. He blinks, turning that over, before he's finally able to meet her eyes.] I think you're right.
You'd hurt so much. Not even that thing could let you hurt again.
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It may be a rhetorical question, but it is one Allura has a budding answer for: ]
We judges others by what we see of their actions, but we know our own intentions, our own hearts and minds. We know what we wish we could do, but only what others actually do, so...I believe it's easy for us to see the discrepancies between our thoughts and actions. To see where we could have done something better or differently.
[ She shakes her head. ]
Being kind to yourself is the the most difficult thing for some of us, especially when faced with so many opportunities for failure. But perhaps that is the issue as well--not every result is success and failure. We need to stop looking at it that way.
[ We. Perhaps another promise they can make to each other.
Allura is smiling at him again, quietly and empathetically. ]
Shiro...that was you shining through. You could have become a senseless beast, but you didn't. Your kindness would not let that happen. In a place that preys on our greatest insecurities...that's truly remarkable. I have never seen such strength of spirit and soul. You are one of a kind, Takashi Shirogane.
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[When she speaks, he can only stare at her. It's something. It's so much better than just letting the question hang in the air. Even if it's not a perfect answer, even if it's just her feelings?]
[It's so much more than he had before.]
You are really good at this. Did I ever tell you that?
[He might not think or know if he can accept these words yet. If he can take them, listen to them, and change what he does, how he thinks of himself. But it's a start. All of this... it feels like a start.]
[We she says. And that alone takes some of the weight off his shoulders.]
I think it's hard, sometimes. To undo everything we've gotten used to. Here, and back home. It is success or failure, most of the time, isn't it? [He reaches then, to squeeze her hand.] We need to unlearn... some of that, I think.
[But thinking it is all well and good. Actually doing it requires knowing how to do it. And that... he doesn't know where to begin.]
[And god, but he wants to believe her. He wants to accept those words and hold onto them, wants to hold them up against the nightmares, the uncertainty, the scars like a torch. Like a star in the darkness. He wants to -- he wants to.]
[monster whispers through, anyway. Because in the end, he'd still succumbed. He still bore bruises and marks of battle. Maybe he hadn't hurt her, hadn't hurt Will... but someone else wasn't so lucky. Were they?]
Losing people... losing you again. Any of you. [It comes out hoarser than he means it to.] Is my greatest insecurity. I -- [He has to draw back, and rub at his face.]
I want to believe you, Allura. I swear -- I know you believe it. I can't thank you enough for saying it. I just...
[I'm not ready to accept it yet.]