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❝ You have reached Allura. I'm sorry to have missed your call, but please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible. ❞

[ deerlyBeloved ]

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[There's something very familiar about this situation. About settling beside her to talk, after the town has pulled some new horrible stunt. Especially with her out of the bath. And part of him almost reaches out to help with her hair -- with braiding it, like he had before. Old, familiar rhythm.]

[you can't stay]

[He stops.]

Here. It's herbal. Supposed to be the calming kind.

[And it's hot, too. Something it looks like she needs. Maybe he can't assist her like he wants, maybe he can't help her, but at least, he can keep her warm. So he offers up the mug.]

[ She accepts the mug with a nod, happy to have the warmth in her hands. She doesn't do well with the cold, after all, and even being inside the house itself has gotten quite a bit cooler. Hot is more than welcome. ]

Thank you. This was very thoughtful.

[ It's still a little too hot to take a sip, but she's happy enough to just hold onto the drink for now. She stares down at the lightly colored surface of the drink, watching the little ripples if she shakes the cup just so.

Allura let's a silence fall between them. She had so many thoughts, so many things she wanted and needed to say to him, but she isn't sure where to begin. Perhaps with the basics... ]

And thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I realize that this is likely not the most opportune...

[ Really, he should be resting, but in a selfish way she feels that this should happen sooner rather than later. ]

But with everything that's happened, I feel that it's very important to tell you that I'm sorry.

[ She looks up at Shiro then. ]

I remember what happened inside that place...that world that I created inside my own heart. I was wrong to cast you out.

I thought you'd be cold.

[His voice comes out soft. His eyes on his own mug, instead of her face. It doesn't feel right to look her in the eye after everything he put her through. The thoughts of dark water, of her struggling face, still filter through his mind -- he'd done that, hadn't he? She'd been calling for him.]

[Metal clinks against the mug.]

[And he's shaking his head as she speaks.] It's nothing. I'm always here for you --

[you're not there all the time -- he bites back the words so hard his teeth click.] I should always be here for you. [Like how it should have been you - it should always be you - ]

[He feels his left hand curl tight into the covers of the bed. Squeezing until bruised knuckles go white. But it's what she says that makes his head jerk up, makes him finally look at her.]

No. No, you have nothing to apologize for. I should have been able to do something -- Last year... Like I did last year.

[It's my fault.]

[ Allura shakes her head without hesitation. She knows that he's going to internalize this--that's just who he is. Someone who is constantly looking to improve but fearing failure. She knows because she's the same way. It's much easier to believe the fault is with oneself, it gives a sense of control. But sometimes...sometimes it just isn't there. Sometimes things happen.

And this just happened to Shiro. There's nothing he could have done. ]

No, Shiro. This...this was different.

[ She turned into the same creature, yes, but the catalyst was different. ]

Last year my anger and frustration was born from...contempt. Contempt of this place, on how I was treated, on how it played on my deepest hurts and regrets. I let it consume me and I became what I feared most--I became her. The witch. And that was who you found. You found me and you saved me, Shiro. I am forever in your debt for that.

[ She straightens, resting her mug on her knee. ]

But, this time? I...

[ There's a pause as she chews on her lower lip. Admitting it aloud to him, to one of the people that drove her to such a regrettable state is difficult. But she needs to. ]

...I was afraid. I was afraid of losing you all. I let that fear stop me from acting these past few months, I drew into myself more and more...lamenting all the horrible things that were happening to the people I care about as if I could do nothing about it. As if this place was conspiring against me--against us to tear everyone apart. I noticed every absence, even the mundane and harmless ones, counting them as if I needed to judge who was most likely to disappear next. I became so focused on this growing fear that you all would be taken from me in one way or another that I lost track of what was important--you.

[ Her gaze drops then. ]

All of you. You were hurting and I...I was selfish. I wanted to hard to avoid losing more that I'd already put it in jeopardy before that monster took over. So I unconsciously created a world where I wouldn't have to lose anyone again.

[ She shakes her head. ]

I isolated myself and made that fear a reality. You couldn't have saved me, Shiro. Because pushing you away was how I was keeping you close. In that world.

[ Her brows crease as she looks back up at him, lips tight. Her eyes are a little glassy, but she's keeping her composure. ]

And I am so sorry. It was the wrong thing to do. The things I said--I can't take them back, but I didn't mean them. I said them because I was hurt for the wrong reasons. I was selfish. My priority became my pain when it should always be your safety and happiness. I was a terrible friend...and I wasn't there for you--for any of you--when I should have been. I can never make up for that. But you have my apologies nonetheless.

[He doesn't know what to say. To any of that. There are so many protests, so many times he wants to interrupt her. So many times he stops himself, and just listens. It sounds like something she needs to get out, something she needs to say. And who is he to stop that?]

[In the face of all her heartache, all her explanation, trying to cut it off just feels wrong. Except for one thing--]

You're the least selfish person I know.

[I am -- he keeps to himself. Because this is not about him. This will not be about him. His own gaze hovers somewhere just over her shoulder. At her hair. He knows if he looks her in the eye, his own composure will break. He'll say something selfish himself.]

[There's got to be a way to reassure her. The last thing he ever wants to do is abandon her. In any fashion. More reason to start considering other opportunities, other ways to accomplish things -- if he's even allowed to, after her admission. Because it still stings, as much as he understands it, it still stings. To know that he'd contributed in some way, to the suffering of someone so precious to him. How many more times is he going to hurt someone he cares for?]

I don't... want an apology. [I don't deserve one] You don't need to give me one.

[He stands.]

[He takes sets his mug on a nightstand, stepping away from her, but only for a moment. Only for one long, interminable moment that feels like hours for how cold the air beside him is without her. How much he needed her there for that warmth.]

[ Never had a sister until I found her. Now I never... want to be without her.]

[If she lets him, he pulls the mug gently from her fingers, setting it aside as well. They're too hot to drink anyway.]

[If she lets him, all he wants to do is slide in, sit with her. And gather her up in an embrace. At her side, holding on. Where he was meant to be. Where he should always be. Holding on hard enough to make sure this is real. To tell her everything he doesn't think his words can. His face pressed to her shoulder.]

[Speaking from his heart always felt easier when there was a battle plan involved. But he's got to try. For Allura, he will do anything.]

Allura... You are the reason I am who I am now. You're the furthest from a terrible friend anyone could ever be. You have me a second chance. You gave me a purpose... a family.

You will never lose me.

[ You know that's not true, she wants to say, but instead just lets his words settle into her heart. She had been selfish, but that didn't mean she needs to continue down that path. Allura sees where she went wrong now, where she wasn't focusing on how to love the people she loved rather than to worry about what could go wrong. If their time together would be limited...then she should make the most of it. Make the best of it and do everything in her power to make them happy.

That's what friends do. That's what family should be for.

She's unsurprised he doesn't want an apology, though she feels her shoulders slump a little with it. ]

Shiro, please--

[ But Allura cuts herself off when he stands. Is he--please don't leave. She vividly remembers calling out to him, shouting her apologies as if that would somehow ebb the pain in his own heart that caused him to succumb to his own darkness. Allura isn't so self-centered to believe she is the cause of it all, but she feels that she must have been a factor. Maybe the final push when he thought he could finally do some good.

I cast him away without thinking of what that would do to him.

But he doesn't leave. So Allura just watches him, concerned but attentive. Plachu and Chulatt flank the cups of tea as all the mice watch in equal curiosity.

When he finally closes that space between them and she can feel his warmth, his quintessence and life itself emanating from the spot next to her, everything snaps into place. The tears that threatened to fall before do now, but it's not all pained. Allura wraps her arms back around Shiro, holding him tight in return. She presses her forehead into his shoulder, just breathing for a moment as she tries not to become the mess that she's threatening to be from such a simple gesture. ]

I...I know.

[ She swallows, forcing herself to look up. ]

And I have never once doubted you, despite what I said. You have never given me reason to doubt. Ever. You are always the first person I turn to. You've been there for me when no one else has. And that is the truth.

[ Allura shakes her head. ]

If I played even a small part in who you are now, then there is no greater compliment I could receive. You're a wonderful person, Shiro. All I want is for you to understand that too.

[Her "please" just makes his heart twist. How desperate it is. How could anyone leave her, when she asks like that? How could he have left her? How could that thing have left her...? It feels like a crime. Like he's committed some horrible offense of their friendship.]

[And he can only hold onto her tighter. She feels so warm. She feels real, and herself. And that's all he can ask for. He doesn't mind the tears against his shoulder -- if he did, he'd have minded them when they fell the countless times before, between them. His fingers find her hair, trying to soothe her tears. Trying to do something to keep himself from crying, right with her.]

[When Allura pulls back first, and he finds himself carefully brushing her hair away from her face.]

I will be. I'll try harder... I don't think I really knew how much it meant to you.

[She'd be right though. His failure to save her really had contributed to it all. His failure to save any of the others. It still sits heavy on his shoulders, even seeing her safe. Lance, Keith -- Pidge fighting every chance he had to get her out of it. Will had died... he'd let everyone down.]

[Until the monster emerged. The thing a leering face in his nightmares threatened to bring out of him. A wonderful person, she says. She's sure of it, too. And all he can do is smile, a little sadly, sidestepping her words in favor of boosting her back up again.]

I meant what I said, back there, regardless.

[He leans forward, leaning their foreheads together as he has so often before.]

You're our heart. You can do this, fight for this.

Because you're worth fighting for...

[ She recognizes that inability to accept a compliment--or really, the truth. She also knows how difficult it can be to accept anything but the worst when that's how you feel about yourself, even if for just a moment. But Shiro's doubts and fears are deeper set than a small misstep between them. They're a battle he's constantly fighting and one that she wants to help him fight, not cause him more distress.

Allura's eyes fall closed for a moment as she allows herself to just feel, gently pressing her forehead back against his. This...this is how things are supposed to be. This is the trust and support that she's grown used to. This has become the foundation for so many things. She needs this.

She needs her family. ]

So are you, Shiro.

[ She opens her eyes again. It's hard to focus with his face so close, but she doesn't want to move away. ]

Your presence and your support mean the world to me...but not at the expense of your own happiness and well-being.

[ She disentangles a hand from around his back to place it on the side of his face, thumb pressing gently on his cheekbone. ]

If anything i said or did contributed to what happened to you-- [ To that creature you became. ] --...I cannot fully express my regrets.

[He'd told her about that, last October, hadn't he? That sometimes it was too hard to accept praise, too hard to accept there were good things about either yourself or the situation. And that was fine, for a while. It was acceptable for a while -- until you could manage to do it.]

[He told her that, because he understood it.]

[So are you - Your burdens do not need to be yours alone]

[One day, maybe, he'll be able to accept that.]

[But for now, he just wants to sit here, with her, sit in her presence. Feel like they're connecting again. As it should be -- as their family should be. He knows the moment won't last, and just wants to take it in as long as it does.]

Allura, if you... if you need me here. I will be. I just need you to know that. Being here for you isn't a burden.

[He feels his face tilt into her hand. Into the support she offers.]

I don't want you to blame yourself... I mean. We didn't know for sure it would happen. I can't completely remember what caused it.

[ Allura lowers her gaze just a bit, before shaking her head once again. She knows that he's trying to be supportive, to alleviate the fears she had expressed when he came to her inner world, but this isn't all about her. If they are truly a team, if she is really his friend, then this is a two way street. ]

Shiro, there is a part of me that will always need you and want you here. But I'm not the only one who needs you...nor am I all that you need.

[ She smiles, although it is a little sad, but not for any potential loss on her part--because he is someone who spreads himself too thin. Much too thin for the sake of others. ]

No, we never know exactly how our fears will materialize in this place, but I do know that yours did because of how heavily they have been weighing on you. Deerington preys on you when you're at your lowest point.

[ Allura pulls away then, just enough so that she can look him properly in the face. ]

Talk to me. You need not carry the weight of the world on your own.

Then I will. If that's what you ...

[He trails off, when she keeps speaking. When she amends her statement. And he finds himself glancing away. Unable to meet her eyes. Unable to shake the feeling that, despite her assurance, he should be always at her side, somehow. Logically, it's not possible. He knows that.]

[So why does he feel like he should try?]

I'm -- I'm sorry. [What is he even apologizing for? That he's been taking a step or two toward being just Shiro again? He really doesn't know. But he can't stop his mouth, suddenly.] I didn't want you to feel like that. I never wanted you to feel like you weren't enough.

[Deerington preys on you when you're at your lowest, she says. Her eyes are so intense, he can't not look at her. He didn't want to make this about himself. He never does.]

[He just can't get her words in that make-believe world out of his mind. Can't get anything that's happened in the last month or so out of his head. Or the world of his own creation. How similar they'd been. How they'd truly wanted nearly the same things. How he'd just... wanted to be enough.]

[Her hand is still at his face when his eyes well over.]

... I... I couldn't save you. Or Will. Or... Keith or Lance... Pidge -- she didn't even know me.

[And it had all been too much.]

[ Allura shakes her head again. He's apologizing as one would expect, but there is truly nothing to apologize for. Allura knows it isn't something that he will accept, finding it much easier to absorb all the blame as if that will protect others from it, but it's something that will spoil with time. She doesn't want that fate for him. ]

That's not what I mean. I'm only one person--I'm Allura. But Allura isn't all that you need, much like we cannot form Voltron with only one Lion.

[ Her hand moves from his face to press on his chest, right above his heartbeat. ]

No one Lion is less than the whole, but the whole cannot be complete without the others. This is your family too. What I said in that place was...not right. It was born of the hurt I've felt when everyone has been gone. But it was exaggerated, Shiro. You have friends and other people you care about in this world. They are a part of you too. It isn't that I'm not enough--it's that you are so loved by others that you should experience that.

[ And he is, without question.

But now it's her turn to listen. So she quiets, catching the few words that he manages to share and the depth of hurt and internalized guilt that lays behind them. It's his failures--he sees it all as personal failings. The last one stings a bit too. So she will admit-- ]

...I chose not to leave that world so that I would not see Pidge in such a state.

[ It was selfish. She will not make that same mistake again. ]

But you tried, didn't you? You tried with everyone.

[It really is so much easier to just take on the blame. Just shoulder it and move on. Keep piling it all up higher and higher on his shoulders. He can take it. He's supposed to be able to take it. It's always easier to fix things, solve problems, for someone else -- and he doesn't know what else to do.]

[He'd told her that before. In the wake of losses. It's as true now as it was then. His jaw works. As she says she's only one person. He knows she has a point. And wants to hear it. There's just one thing he wants her to know, first.]

Just -- Just please don't forget. Don't ever forget. How much I care about you. No matter what happens. Please... know that, Allura.

[Her fingers feel very warm on his chest. Or maybe he's still cold from all the feelings running through him. All the energy expended with the emotions. His own fingers lift to cover hers, as if afraid to be out of contact with her for too long.]

[People keep saying he's cared for. Why is that so hard for him to accept?]

Guess I was worried you really felt like I'd abandoned you. Abandoned the team. For ... other things. [He swallows, looking down at their hands.] I won't lie -- it's been on my mind.

[To say the least.]

[He finds it's difficult to say a word to answer her question. Of course he'd tried. He'd tried to physically carry Pidge out of sight of the moon, to no avail. Tried to save Allura in every capacity. Been too late for Lance and Keith and Will... The words stick hard in his throat. Too thick and heavy to let out.]

[Every effort, everything, had been in vain.]

[And then the monster came out. Showing him just how powerless he was as a human being. As a person. No, he couldn't do it. It took a whole, fictional world where he could do everything he wanted. But only a monster, only something totally inhuman could even try to save his friends.]

[His family.]

... I had to. [Is all he can manage, finally.]

[ Despite the gravity of everything that's led up to this moment, the internalized guilt and fear that they might have crossed some line, that she may not be able to fix this--she smiles. She smiles a little sadly because how could she had ever questioned this? Shiro wouldn't let this go. In her heart she knew, but she'd never pushed him away. Not like this before.

Now she knows she will never have to entertain the thought of worry. No matter what, he will be there, whether she deserves it or not. ]

I won't. And I'm certain that you wouldn't let me forget.

[ This is something she can count on. As long they can stick together. ]

Taking time for things that are important to you is not an abandonment, Shiro. We want you to be happy.

[ However he finds it. Wherever he finds it. As long as he is happy and he's safe.

She waits patiently for Shiro to work through his own thoughts, knowing that it's going to be difficult. He sounds so...lost. Defeated. Allura hands a little more pressure to her hand, quiet for a moment, before the soft warmth of quintessence flows gently out of her hand and onto his chest. Soothing, or so she hopes. His soul has so many frayed ends. ]

That's more than what I did. That's more than enough. We cannot win every battle, no matter how badly we want to or how hard we try, but the point is that we try. And that is something you have never lacked in. Your heart--

[ The one that beats beneath the glow of her quintessence. ]

--is always in the right place. You did not fail us, Shiro. You constantly gave up pieces fo yourself for the sake of others. That is no small feat or no small sacrifice. You are a good person. Someone who is strong and capable. That was even evident when you transformed.

[ Her smile returns again, although it's very muted, tinged with some regret. ]

I could tell it was you, Shiro. Instantly. While I had been driven to mindless acts of violence, you--...you were still working and trying to protect those you care about. That part of you is so strong that no transformation in this place could take it from you. Nothing can.

[No matter what, he's sworn to her side, through loyalty, through duty, through friendship. He'd told Eddie she was the reason he was who he was now, the reason he had a purpose again. He loves her, dearly. And no matter what, he wants to be there for her. To hold her up when she needs it.]

[The cost to himself has never mattered. As much as they all keep trying to get him to believe otherwise. As much as he wants to believe it. As much as there's a part of himself screaming, pleading, for those quiet moments, for him to take that time.]

[But could he ever? Without feeling that now-familiar swell of "should be"?]

I know... I know you do. [It feels like the conversation he had with her, in reverse. After the incidents last October.] I don't know why it won't sink in.

[He wishes he did. He wishes he could give them what they want. But somehow, that seems to be the one thing he can't give. As much as he loves them all, he just can't do it. Their happiness, their well being, it always feels like it needs to come first.]

[It would be a lie to say he didn't sink a little into the warmth of her hand. He knows if he sagged against her, she could hold him up. He trusts her to. And lets his eyes close. Finally lets himself physically relax, if nothing else. What she's saying is true, and intellectually, he knows it. He tells the others the same thing, tells the people close to him the same thing.]

[What matters is that you try.]

[And still, when he finds his voice, it's quiet.]

Why does it never feel like it's enough...? [Even if she's right, even if it's all entirely true, it still doesn't feel like enough.]

[But it's the last bit that finally gets him to look at her again. Searching her face in vain for any sign this is just... something to make him feel better. There's nothing. She's as honest as can be.]

That's -- that's what happened?

[ She wishes she had the answers that would turn all this around for him, but she knows it's not so simple. The heart and mind are complex and ever-changing on their best days, but those things that had been carved in stone and seem like the foundation of one's identity are not easily shaken. That Shiro is unable to reconcile the positive feelings others have for him with the negative feelings he has about himself isn't surprising.

But it isn't fair. If there's anyone who deserves a bit of confidence and happiness, it's Takashi Shirogane. Her dearest friend, someone who has lost and sacrifice and continues to fight despite all of his preconceived shortcomings.

What greater strength is there than that? ]

I wish I could tell you.

[ And she does. She wishes she could change it all for him. ]

You heart... [ Another pulse of quintessence right above it. ] ...and your mind are at odds with one another. And with everything that's transpired before this place and during, that's hardly something that's unwarranted. We hold standards for ourselves that are so much higher than what we do for others. It isn't fair, is it?

[ But it is something they have both set themselves up for.

She nods, eyes open and honest. ]

Yes. I was so confused at first, but you didn't attack me--you carried me away. You brought me to the lake unharmed and set me adrift in a boat. I wasn't sure what you were doing at first. For a moment I believed that you were casting me away as I had cast you out of my own inner world...but then you helped me when I swam back to shore. You carried me back to safety. You didn't want to cause me any harm--you were trying to keep me away from the city...where all the horrible things happen, weren't you?

[It never used to be this bad. At all. He used to feel invincible, like he could do anything, and he was happy to try. Had all the confidence and swagger a high caliber pilot should have. It had been so easy to. And then... then it all started to fall apart under him. The world and stability kept being ripped away from him, again and again. Even before Kerberos.]

[Even before the Galra prison.]

[But his struggles feel like nothing compared to what Allura has to bear. Compared to what his teammates have had to endure here. As if he has no right to hurt, no right to feel tired, worn, beaten by what he's been through. He has to keep going. For everyone's sake. She is the one who's admirable, the one to look up to and respect.]

[Who else could have endured the loss of their entire world and kept fighting? Kept learning and forging ahead? Allura, truly, is the stronger one of them.]

[He won't lie, it hurts when she tells him she doesn't know. Logically, he didn't expect her to have all the answers. But some part of him hoped... beyond all reason, there would be something. He seems to sag forward, to lean against her. Without dislodging her hand.]

We... is right. I was just thinking -- I'd be telling you the same things you're saying now, if we were reversed.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

[It's more of a rhetorical question than it is a real one. Because he knows she won't have the answer. He wants to be all right with it, and maybe, for now, he is -- and maybe it's the pulse from her fingertips doing the job.]

[But whatever it is, it makes it easier to listen to her words. Easier to accept what she's saying. Letting pieces start to slot into place. Her face, afraid, dark water. Walking away from her... Flames... His face goes through a lot of emotions, remembering it.]

[You were trying to keep me away from the city]

I -- [But there's no counter argument. Nothing. He blinks, turning that over, before he's finally able to meet her eyes.] I think you're right.

You'd hurt so much. Not even that thing could let you hurt again.

[ Why, indeed? She's been asking herself that quite a bit since she returned to herself. The strange calm that settled in once she had was...surprising and probably undeserved, but useful. It gave her time to reflect, a separation from the guilt and horror that began to pile up a little while after--how she should have been consumed immediately.

It may be a rhetorical question, but it is one Allura has a budding answer for: ]

We judges others by what we see of their actions, but we know our own intentions, our own hearts and minds. We know what we wish we could do, but only what others actually do, so...I believe it's easy for us to see the discrepancies between our thoughts and actions. To see where we could have done something better or differently.

[ She shakes her head. ]

Being kind to yourself is the the most difficult thing for some of us, especially when faced with so many opportunities for failure. But perhaps that is the issue as well--not every result is success and failure. We need to stop looking at it that way.

[ We. Perhaps another promise they can make to each other.

Allura is smiling at him again, quietly and empathetically. ]

Shiro...that was you shining through. You could have become a senseless beast, but you didn't. Your kindness would not let that happen. In a place that preys on our greatest insecurities...that's truly remarkable. I have never seen such strength of spirit and soul. You are one of a kind, Takashi Shirogane.

[He didn't expect an answer. And he didn't blame her for not having one. He wouldn't have. Was it even possible for him to blame Allura for anything at this point? Probably not. Not about this. Not about the monster.]

[When she speaks, he can only stare at her. It's something. It's so much better than just letting the question hang in the air. Even if it's not a perfect answer, even if it's just her feelings?]

[It's so much more than he had before.]

You are really good at this. Did I ever tell you that?

[He might not think or know if he can accept these words yet. If he can take them, listen to them, and change what he does, how he thinks of himself. But it's a start. All of this... it feels like a start.]

[We she says. And that alone takes some of the weight off his shoulders.]

I think it's hard, sometimes. To undo everything we've gotten used to. Here, and back home. It is success or failure, most of the time, isn't it? [He reaches then, to squeeze her hand.] We need to unlearn... some of that, I think.

[But thinking it is all well and good. Actually doing it requires knowing how to do it. And that... he doesn't know where to begin.]

[And god, but he wants to believe her. He wants to accept those words and hold onto them, wants to hold them up against the nightmares, the uncertainty, the scars like a torch. Like a star in the darkness. He wants to -- he wants to.]

[monster whispers through, anyway. Because in the end, he'd still succumbed. He still bore bruises and marks of battle. Maybe he hadn't hurt her, hadn't hurt Will... but someone else wasn't so lucky. Were they?]

Losing people... losing you again. Any of you. [It comes out hoarser than he means it to.] Is my greatest insecurity. I -- [He has to draw back, and rub at his face.]

I want to believe you, Allura. I swear -- I know you believe it. I can't thank you enough for saying it. I just...

[I'm not ready to accept it yet.]

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